Sylvia Plath on Wanting Everything (and Nothing)

This is a transcript from episode #46 of the Let the Verse Flow Podcast.

These questions I'm about to ask right now are as much for me as they are for you:

When was the last time you had enough, and wanted nothing?

When were you so completely content in the moment that you didn’t need anything – no more food, a better coat, a bigger house, more friends?

When did you think your world right in the present was exactly as it should be, with no striving, hustling, or plotting for the next big thing?

I must admit that as I look back on my life, I find that I spent a lot of time plotting and scheming in the first four decades of it. I bought into the hustle culture – get an education, get a good job, and then a better one, get an apartment, furnish it nicely, get a man then a baby. The list went on and on. Some of those things turned out to be essential (especially the man and the baby), but I also think about how driven it all was. How those moments of feeling driven didn’t feel very good.

If I had this, it was time to go after that. If I finished this project, there were 10 more waiting in the wings. That kind of thinking lessened at some point in my 50s, and I want to talk about this great transition (as I like to call it) that began to happen in my 50s and continues into my 60s.

Sylvia Plath on Wanting

Sylvia Plath, one of my favorite poets, penned this insightful sentiment, a nuanced idea that I’ve thought about off and on for many years now; she wrote,

Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.

I imagine, though I have no proof, that Sylvia’s history of depression forms an important undercurrent for this statement. I think back to when I’ve felt depressed or deeply sad about something, and I have this fatalistic mindset of “nothing can repair this. Nothing can make this better.” In my very darkest hours, I’ve thought, “There isn’t enough money, time, or even love to help me out of this situation.”

It’s at those low times when you realize that no matter how much you have – the car, the house, the vacations, the jewelry – if it isn’t enough to help you weather the storms of life, nothing will satisfy you. And wanting, that pervasive, unrelenting feeling isn’t about the item at all. It’s not about having the thing, it’s about getting the thing. Feeling a certain way in the quest and striving and needing that energized feeling. Almost as soon as we get it, we move on to the next thing. The thing itself wasn’t the object of desire, it was the wanting that led to the purchase or sparked the inclination.

Sometimes the incessant wanting is our attempt to fill a void that exists; no matter how much we get, we don’t seem to feel any better or contented. I felt that most acutely in my younger years – that existential-type angst that I was missing out or that I longed for more – even when I didn’t quite know what that more was. I didn't know what I wanted; I just felt like something was missing. In its place, I suppose I found family, work, and other commitments that helped me understand my purpose and that feeling of longing lessened. By my late 30s, when I had my daughter, it was nearly gone, coming back only sporadically and not for long.

But I’ve noticed that one of the greatest benefits of getting older is that I want less. I’m satisfied with less. And not only that, I’m satisfied with simple, little things. The loss of my mom’s presence in my life, as her dementia progresses, also teaches me this lesson. I can see so clearly that more stuff won’t do much for me right now, except give me more clutter to take care of. If I keep adding to my stuff, and keep wanting, at some point I just end up feeling exhausted and unfulfilled.

4 Ways to Focus on Having Enough

I also know that no amount of things or achievements will bring my mom back to me and that even throughout my mom’s illness, my most valued possession or feeling is love from my family. My ability to lean into my small, but mighty family fills me with gratitude (on more days than not)! And gratitude is an antidote to the feeling of emptiness that I think Plath is conveying. One powerful way to fight against our feelings of wanting and emptiness is to flip our thoughts toward what we are grateful for, especially the small moments of pleasure and the people who give us things money can’t buy. 

What are some of the ways we can limit incessant desire, and return our focus to feelings of “enoughness”? Here are a few ideas and strategies that I think might help us here:

Turn Up the Volume on Gratitude

The first is having a gratitude practice; whether you keep a journal, do a daily list of things you are grateful for, or simply reflect on grateful feelings as they come, keeping a mindset of gratitude is the most important thing. I usually write out my gratitude list when I’m really struggling. When my mom’s in the hospital or I’m feeling acute stress at work, I get the pen and journal out and write all my feelings and experiences in that situation down. Somehow this concrete documentation allows me to get negative thoughts out of my head, as they travel to the paper, they also seem to travel further away from my inner psyche. If it’s light stuff I’m stressing about, I can usually just reflect on what I still have and what I’m grateful for, and that helps me realize I don’t need to strive or want or feel needy about something.

Ditch Social Comparison

The next important way to reduce excessive wanting is to reduce your social comparison. I always think back to the movie Clueless where Cher is talking trash about another girl and calls her a full-on Monet. “It's like a painting, see? From far away, it's OK, but up close, it's a big old mess” Remember that? It's classic. Well social influencers, movie stars, whomever you are comparing yourself to, don’t have nearly as glamorous a life as we think. From afar it looks great, but up close, they go through some messed up shit. We don’t know the whole story, just the pretty wrapping we see with our eyes. Check out episode 12 on social comparison, and rid yourself of that needless habit. 

Embrace Minimalism (a Work in Progress)

Then there’s paring things down altogether. I really like this concept: minimalism. I’m not a great practitioner of this YET, but it’s a long-term goal as I near retirement. I don’t want my fabulous, fun, living-in-Hawaii retirement to be dragged down by excess stuff; I don’t need it. I need good Kona coffee, my journal, snorkeling gear, a good pair of walking shoes to trek through valleys on my way to waterfalls, my family, and a sense of belonging to a community of some sort (hopefully in some Hawaiian cultural group that takes me in so I can learn more about the beautiful people of Oahu).

The essentials: love, laughter, mindfulness in nature, creative aspirations (and good coffee). The rest of it is added fluff. And as the saying goes, “You can’t take it with you.” Want less, collect less, and you’ll probably find that you have more of two essential things:  more time and more peace of mind. 

Belonging & Community Connections

We need to pursue deep meaningful connections with others in communities that share our values, help us feel connected to ourselves, and foster a sense of belonging. Mindfulness meditation, journaling, reading, and creative endeavors, all help us cultivate self-belonging, while getting out into the world and connecting in affinity groups helps us belong to others. We need both. Check out episodes 43 and 44 on the topic of belonging.

When we belong, we don’t feel a need to search for external validation, material wealth, or more stuff. I’m not saying you shouldn’t enjoy a good shopping trip from time to time, but you might want to bring along a good friend and enjoy the company more than the spending. Here’s a poem on those precious things that money can’t buy; this poem is called Precious Principles.

Precious Principles

By Jill Hodge

We gather up our things to count them, code and arrange by size
Till mountains of clothing, purses and shoes peak and rise
Perhaps this new thing, it’s shiny and smells free
Will release us from the charge as tears fall from our eyes
Onto the satin and pearls, ruined now, bleeding dyes

To stay alive in this world, we think we might need trinkets
To keep us company from the dark night and restless thinking
But none of those things can pierce the thin veil
Of discontent that rises up, weaves in and out, floats above, it sails
Onto the vast blue ocean, but we’re not floating, we’re sinking

Why count the things that mean so little but take up so much space?
We could be sitting with a good cup of coffee and counting blessings.
Instead of counting time, tossing dreams in fancy dressings
We’ve precious principles we should tend to, but all the while
We lower our heads, ignore the call

When precious little will soothe our soul
Instead of going out, inward is the direction that makes us whole.
Hold your lover, console your friend, and breathe deep the fragrant flower as it unfolds
For only then, the path leads back to precious principles, tender, grateful, simply felt, you’re home

Finding solace with a smaller stack of things and less striving is a great way for us to enter the New Year. We want to focus our striving on our personal or professional goals but leave the underlying feelings of not-enoughness behind. There’s productive and nonproductive striving. If that thing you want isn’t attached to a specific goal you’re working toward or doesn’t bring you some real joy, consider asking yourself if you need it.

If we take the moments we would have spent pursuing the thing and roll them into our creative practice, journaling practice, meditation practice, our loving practice, I think we’ll find we are much happier (and feel less empty). Whatever lights you up, cause it’s not likely to be found from more stuff. If that were true so many of us would be gleeful with our bundles, content with our chosen things, but it seems we are always searching.

Let’s ask ourselves: what am I searching for? Can I sit with myself a while and see that I might just have all that I need in this body, with this mind, and perhaps with this grateful heart? 

Journal Prompts to Reflect on Having Enough in Life

Here are some journal prompts to write about or reflect on the ways you have “enough” in your life. 

I just turned 60, and one of the best birthday gifts I got wasn’t a traditional gift at all. It was the gift of time, time with my family and best friend, time with myself. Time to spend with my mom, time to write more poetry, and time to share it with you. May we all find that our quest for more subsides when we recognize what we already have – especially the value that we place on ourselves – and may we look at our lives with a grateful heart as we stop for a while, stay present with the moment and enjoy the many sounds from the bright side of the beat.🌞

Podcast Music: My thanks to all the musicians who make incredible music and have the courage to put it out into the world. All music and sound effects for my podcast are sourced and licensed for use via Soundstripe.

Songs in this podcast episode: Wild Animal by Ghost Beatz; Slide by GEMM; Dust On The Desk by Sam Barsh; Pyaar Kee Seemaen by Cast of Characters

Related Episodes:

Compare Less, Grateful More (#12)

The Art of Belonging: Creating Space for Yourself (#43)

Guided Meditation to Cultivate Belonging (to Others & Yourself) (#44)

New Resource!

On the podcast, I often explore tools and strategies to reduce overthinking. Now, I've created a fun, art-lovers practice guide to stop overthinking, worry, and rumination. Click below to read it now.

The Art-lovers Creative Practice Guide to Stop Overthinking, Worry, and Rumination

This is my creative take on the process (and practice) of releasing the grip of overthinking using four modalities -- body connection, art/creativity, nature, and writing/journaling.

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Journaling Resources

30-Day Journal Challenge (Writing Prompts to Get Started)

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Let the Verse FlowJill Hodge

Journaling 101: An Inspirational Guide to Start (or Revive) a Practice

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