Personal Growth Is In the Process: How to Love Where You Are

This is a transcript from episode #42 of the Let the Verse Flow Podcast.

Today I’m talking about how to reflect on our past actions and thoughts with the understanding that our perceptions are always changing, and while we may have a view of how our personal development should go, it may help us more to focus our attention on the journey rather than just the end goal. I’m not suggesting we give up on the end goal – no, I believe goals are important, especially goals around self-care and creative fulfillment, but holding too tight to goals, holding on with a death grip, having your sights set on that future mark, can cause you to lack presence in your current life. What’s going on in your day and day, and are there places and experiences and living habits that feel good from Monday to Sunday, and not in some future? Let’s dive into how being present in our daily journey contributes to our overall growth and understanding.

Taking Action Toward Our Wants & Desires

As you heard in the invocation, throughout different stages of my life, I wanted different things. I wanted this at one age, and this other thing at another. Wanting is a big part of our human condition, and we, myself included, often want more. If I have 1,000 podcast listeners, I’d like 5,000. If I have a long weekend off, I’d like the next week too. If I have a delicious bite of chocolate, I’d like five more just like it. You get the picture.

Many of you probably have a list of similar wants. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting. I think wanting is very human on some level, but it has to be tempered. It has to be scaled down so that it isn’t in the driver’s seat. You see, as we all know in our hearts, wanting is not the same as getting, and it’s often not aligned with working toward something. We may want things that we aren’t willing to work toward. We often want things to fall from the sky and instantly align with our goals. Does the world work like that? Not in my experience.

There are very few things that come naturally to me, wants that I don’t have to work toward. Perhaps the only thing that does come easily is writing words, and even then, many could argue I could do better. But if I had to pick one thing that feels easeful, I’d say writing. I don’t suffer from writer’s block and my writing process is tight. But interestingly, I don’t think it’s tight because of some magical or innate talent; it’s tight because I work on it every day. I write every day, even on the days I don’t want to. I build the writing muscles – and there’s the positive effect of taking action.

Coming to Terms with "the Process"

Action can move you toward finding a purpose for your activities, in my case, finding a purpose for my writing, like shaping it into this podcast or into my poetry. But while I’m taking that action, molding words into sentences, paragraphs, or poems, I’m also doing something else; I’m alive in a process, even as I work toward some long-term goals. I’m living life around my writing activities and that means that the stuff of my daily life influences that process.

Unforeseen circumstances also impact this active writing process. Situations, especially emotionally-challenging ones, can stymie my creativity at least for a moment. Strangely, in the long run, they tend to spark my creativity. I think as a release or reaction to the struggle. I’m gonna talk about process today, because recognizing where you are in the process is everything when it comes to enjoying your life while journeying and trying to manifest new goals.

Love Yourself (& Set Personal Growth Goals)

As you know, I believe in personal growth goals. I believe in creating goals that can guide your life, not because your life and who you are aren’t good enough, but because goals give you something to strive for; they give you agency and a feeling that you are directing at least some aspects of your life in a direction that aligns with who you are, and who you want to grow to become the next iteration of yourself. The argument that personal growth is asking you to hate yourself is weak to me. Whoever said you couldn’t love yourself while you strive to do better, to reach new achievements and to change thought patterns or actions? 

In my mind, it’s out of a sense of self-love that you choose to change and grow. For example, as I’ve recently discussed, I’ve gotten back on track with my healthy eating and exercise. By back on track, I mean some days I’m able to eat well and exercise (and other days, I struggle and fail to live up to that goal).

If my motivation were framed in the negative “I hate my body. I’m sick of being fat and flabby,” I would utterly fail to make the change. Who would want to even get up out of bed if they told themselves that narrative each day? I, and we, can come to this goal from a positive place. I want to eat more wholesome foods and move my body (which has given me so much support over the years ) because I know I will feel better; as I get older, I want to be especially careful to nurture and care for it. My personal growth goal is framed in a positive way. 

Let’s take another example, like my meditation practice. I’m working to incorporate daily meditation sittings into my already crowded life because while some of the Eastern traditions of Buddhism seemed elusive and abstract to me in my youth, the older I get, the more I want and feel compelled to explore new concepts and ideas like mindfulness, impermanence, the middle way and ways to handle uncomfortable feelings and suffering. I’m more invested in these topics, and my heightened sense of mortality (as a result of my mom’s ill health) has kicked up in the last few years. I’m more aware that I have less time on this planet, and I want to make the most of it. 

While my sense of mortality may have started my search for more meaning, I don’t cast my personal growth goal to meditate from that negative viewpoint. No, I think about my daily practice as a gift that I give myself to help me grow and learn about what Mary Oliver called “my one wild and precious life.” Bless you, Mary, for gifting us your poetry.

I choose to learn about Buddhist principles and meditation as a way of exploring what my life is right now, and what it can be in the future. Your choice could be painting or nature hikes, participating in a weekly book club, building a beautiful garden or volunteering at a food pantry. There are so many avenues for exploration when it comes to personal growth. Early on in the podcast, episode 14, I explored the work needed to attain your personal growth goals and offered some coping strategies as you try to develop a growth mindset (where your mind tells you that you can see failures or setbacks as opportunities). But here I’m talking about keeping one eye on your personal growth goal and one eye on the journey to get there. Today, I want to make sure we are enjoying our day-to-day journey to change.

The Balance of Striving for the Future While Being Mindful of the Present

A word about mindfulness, meditation, and being present. As I explore mindfulness more, I’ve learned that being present and accepting of where you are in the present moment, doesn’t mean you can’t strive to change. The insight that your meditation brings is a wonderful place to begin to see what changes you might want to make and what goals you might want to set. The subtle shift in thinking here, though, is that even as you may strive in some part of your day to reach your personal goals, you recognize and spend some time being fully present for the moment you have right now.

In this moment, your personal goal may not be realized – you may not have achieved what you wanted yet – but your life is here in this moment, and accepting where you are now is vital to enjoying your life. So, I’m trying to be present with myself. I try to accept myself in this moment, but I still have some striving and goal-setting. I just realize that everything is changing each moment, and I’ll have to accept what comes today. I don’t give up my agency to influence that day, but I’m not so attached to the outcome that I’m not living in the moment. I hope that makes sense, because I’m only now understanding this nuanced viewpoint, and accepting the present moment has given me some peace that can energize my actions, but it’s a balance between states of mind.

It’s the journey, the moment-to-moment existence where your life is lived. Anyway, pursuing a goal with full-on commitment 24/7 is a hard place to live. There are so many factors that are out of our control, and those factors may have a direct bearing on whether we can achieve our goal. I think here my healthy habits goals are most relevant to making this point.

When I was around 15,  I went on Weight Watchers for the first time, and I lost like 50 pounds. I’ve been struggling with my weight for a long time. It was the first time that I remember the process of actively trying to lose weight. My mother made my meals each night (back in those days you had to eat things like liver and skim milk every week). It was very rigid, but much of it was out of my control.

My mom made my breakfast, lunch, and dinner and my job was to eat that (and only that). I also went to weekly meetings and felt oddly special because I was one of the youngest people in the room. A dubious distinction for sure. Sadly, I gained the weight back (and more within the following year). It was a short-lived taste of life at a healthy weight. It was a rather controlled situation and not at all like how life is now. I certainly wouldn’t want to go back to that outlook.

Now there are a multitude of factors that can impact my success with healthy eating and exercise. Everything from my health (aches and pains are quite common as we get older), how I handle work stress and fatigue (which can have me eating mindlessly), and how well I can stick to my food plan given social commitments and vacations.

There are other factors like buying healthy food, preparing it, cooking it, and wanting to eat it. So the journey to healthy eating and exercise habits isn’t solely governed by me, and on some days, I have less control over my success. So where does this leave me? It leaves me back to enjoying the journey. It reminds me that all we have is today and that my focus needs to be on the immediate present. We have the greatest possibility of having a positive impact on our lives by staying firmly rooted in the present. Before we explore the concept of enjoying the journey, let’s be mindful of the importance of reflecting on our past actions and thoughts to understand how we change over time, and what that change means for our personal development.

The Value of Reviewing Old Journals

Because I’ve tried to lose weight so many times, I have a history with it. If I look over my past journals, which I recommend you do from time to time to take note of your life’s changing story, your progress and the progression of your dreams and desires, I can see that losing weight is a common narrative in my life. Given these experiences, I often feel quite conflicted about how to approach it. As I discussed in episode 34 on the power of habits, I’m motivated by the concept of staying in the fight (and I use strength training and exercise as a metaphor for that). Listen to that episode where I first talked about setting my healthy eating and exercise goals (as I work to change my habits). 

In that episode, I talked about using exercise to gain a feeling of personal power and how that empowered feeling helps me make better food choices. I sort of habit stack healthy eating with exercise. But as my journal will attest, and as I get older, I take a gentler approach to exercise. I realize that the hard, all-out pushing that I did when I was younger could get me injured at my age and that a moderate path is healthier. That perspective changes the approach to reaching my healthy habits goal, it changes the timeline, it changes my workout schedule and the amount of weight I can lift. Reflecting on where I’ve been and actively incorporating what I learned into my current situation helps me build a more successful plan to reach my goal.

I need that plan, that blueprint, and my reflection on my journal entries to help me create a solid, workable plan. If you don’t have a journal to review, you could spend some time reflecting through the years to see what comes up for you as you work toward your goal. I find writing my reflections down in a journal helps me document my thoughts, challenges and accomplishments over the years, so I highly recommend journaling. Here are some of my journal resources including beginners' guides and journal challenges to get you started. I also include 3 journal prompts at the end of every episode to extend your thinking and reflection on the topics I discuss. 

I’ve learned from this reflection that I need to temper my expectations. That there will be unexpected challenges along the way. How do I fold those into my plan, so I don’t give up on my goals? By being proactive and thinking about the obstacles as I’m setting any new personal goals.

I prepare for challenges, plan for them and expect possible slips along the way. Because I’m expecting them, I know to just pick myself up, dust myself off and try again (without guilt if possible). We don’t need the guilt. It is completely useless and only makes the next steps and growth more difficult. Fuck ups are part of the journey, so get more comfortable with them. You are still loveable, valuable, unique, and beautiful when you make mistakes.

Sometimes our loved ones love us more because of our mistakes. For example, Arthur, my partner, has more respect for me because I haven’t given up my oftentimes exhausting healthy eating saga. He sees how hard I work to stay healthy and fit and overcome some of the messed up binge-eating habits I grew up with. He admires my fight, and I admire his.

Also, I can feel certain that I know the path forward, and be totally wrong, and in those instances, I have to adapt. For example, when I’d lost more than 60 pounds in my mid-50s (listen to episode #34 for more on that story), I thought I would never regain the weight. I was so happy, my healthy habits felt so ingrained. I had a wonderful schedule and process for eating well and exercising.

But then my mom got sick, my mood, my priorities, my will, it all changed. I moved away from my healthy habits (which were central to my day-to-day joy and wellness) and started taking care of my mom and her needs. And that shift was enough to make my healthy habits collapse. It’s hard to accept, but I’ve made peace with that, and I’ve forgiven myself for slipping back into old habits. My certainty that I would live the rest of my life with those healthy habits was ultimately challenged by my inability to cope with my sad and painful feelings without food. It’s a work in progress, and I’ve learned from this struggle.

Here’s a poem about decisions and choices that I made while feeling certain, only to be proved wrong in hindsight. This poem is called A Wish to Be Certain.

A Wish to Be Certain

By Jill Hodge

In the moment, I thought I was right
As right as the hard path of a brisk walk on settled snow
As right as the silver edge of a crescent moon
As right as right could be, when right is mistaken for might

In the moment, I thought it was earned
As the sweat on my brow could confirm
As the early morning hours ticked loudly
As eyes heavy inclined to shut

In the moment, I thought I was clear
About my intent to sail through the tempest storm in full regalia
About as formidable as I could be
Until uncertainty crept in through the back door

But the moment was partial, even as it held its mighty sword to tell me otherwise
The moment was fading, and new moments sprang forth with their own certain tune
What had I known about this moment?
While blinded by the spotlight
Affixed in my way and certain the moment was mine to slay

But then time had her say
It showed things I could not conceive
Revealing a hollow core in my well-laid plans
Alone in disbelief, now with me on bended knee
Alone, in disbelief
I could not say my way was right

I take it all back
I was not right. It was not earned. I was not clear.
As I grasped, a tight hand wrapped around
A wish to be certain in an uncertain world

Alone, in disbelief
I could not say my way was right

I take it all back
I was not right. It was not earned. I was not clear.
As I grasped, a tight hand wrapped around
A wish to be certain in an uncertain world

So we do our reflection, we take into consideration our likely obstacles and challenges, we forgive ourselves for missteps by holding tight to a positive mindset, we set our sights on our personal growth goals with strong intentions and then we do the work.

Adjusting Our Timeline

There usually comes a time when we realize that our timeline for achieving our personal goals is all wrong. Do you want to lose 20 pounds in a month? Are you OK if it takes three months? Do you want to sell your first piece of art in the next three months? Are you OK if takes six months to a year to get your website up and running as you build a customer base? Do you want to make yourself a priority by exercising three times per week? Are you OK if you get in one workout per week on some weeks? We have to be OK with the timeline of reality. We have to embrace the little successes and take some pressure off our goals. We do that by staying present in the moment and enjoying the journey. Here are a few tips I can offer.

Tips for Enjoying the Journey While Working Toward Your Goals

Tip #1: Work in Quiet & Stillness

Wake up early and work on goals when no one can interrupt you. If late evening works better for you, then do that, but pick a time when the rest of your world is quiet and still.

I have been waking up at 5 am to exercise (not every day – I aim for three times per week). I alternate between yoga/stretching and strength training. I finish with meditation (that’s the treat at the end). The first 15 minutes of the workout are the worst. Getting out of bed, getting dressed, setting up my workout mat or getting my weights ready. I’m still asleep and I feel miserable. During those first minutes of moving and waking up, my body feels awful, and then something interesting happens after 15 minutes; my body and mind start to play along. They start to feel good, and alive.

Especially with the strength training, I notice that my body feels great and powerful after a workout. I’ve transformed completely from this exhausted, annoyed, sloth into a strong, capable, vital woman. By the time 6 am rolls around, I am ready for the day. So reminding myself that 15 minutes of hell in the beginning yields hours of vitality later on is one way I enjoy the journey. I also add those 15 minutes of meditation after the workout, and I allow myself to do this meditation lying down in corpse pose if I want. Doing a relaxing, lying meditation is my treat, and I’m fully present in that moment. 

Tip #2: Get the Necessary Tools and Do the Prep Work with Gratitude

With my food goals, I’m working on veggie prep. I’m shredding, dicing, chopping up colorful veggies to put in stir-fries and salads and trying to be mindful of the vitality and wellness that good, whole foods will bring me. As I chop up the veggies, I think about the farmworkers who grew the vegetables, the person who drove the truck to deliver them, the great heaps of colorful fruits and veggies I see at the store, and the way my body feels after I eat them.

I enjoy the full scope of the journey to get these vegetables into my body and I view it as part of my self-care – part of my me-time. I recast it, not as a chore or something I have to do, but as something I get to do. I’m grateful for this fresh food, especially when so many people struggle to have enough food. I know that my body will transform the food into good things. It will replenish me. 

Tip #3: Measure Success in Affirming Ways

What I don’t do during the week as I work toward my healthy goals is spend too much time on the scale; weekly weigh-ins are enough, and I remember that the scale doesn’t tell the whole story. A look in the mirror confirms my work much better. I check in with my body. How’s my digestion? Do I feel less bloated and uncomfortable? Can I walk up stairs or hills with more ease and without getting out of breath? Has my muscle strength improved? Am I standing stronger with better posture? I take in all of this data about changes and remember that all I need to do is focus on today and try to enjoy the journey. 

Tip #4: Treat Yourself with Loving Kindness

When challenges come up, and believe me they do, I forgive myself and move on. I may have to sit with myself and actively tell myself that I can handle these tough times, that I am proud of myself for trying so hard, and that I love myself and want to comfort myself. I may do a meditation to feel present with my body and help me weather uncomfortable feelings. Perhaps through a loving kindness or RAIN mediation.

I’m a new teacher on the Insight Timer app. Check me out – I have guided meditations and a caregiver stress reduction course on the app. I also use the app myself; I browse through and find tons of new supportive guided meditations and courses that help me build on this idea of accepting the present moment and enjoying it as part of the journey to new growth.  

Journal Prompts to Focus on the Good in Life's Journey

Our strange, yet fantastic journey to achieving our personal goals and dreams is often filled with magical moments, unexpected delights and new channels of success, but it can also hold its share of rainclouds, uphill battles and brutal upsets. Here are some journal prompts to help you keep your eye on the prize while you spend your day-to-day being present for the journey that is your life.  

No matter what your personal growth goals are, or which areas in your life you wish were different, you are an amazing person just as you are. Try to remember that as you journey through life. Stop and smell the flowers along the path to change. Remember that this moment is where your life is lived. Pursue your dreams, go after your goals, but enjoy the journey. Also, don’t be afraid to pivot and change your goals as the journey unfolds. Wherever you end up is where you are right now, it doesn’t dictate your future, because life is always changing. Enjoy each of the moments, looking when you can, for the bright side of the beat.🌞

Podcast Music: My thanks to all the musicians who make incredible music and have the courage to put it out into the world. All music for my podcast is sourced and licensed for use via Soundstripe.

Songs in this episode: Millions by PALA; Slide by GEMM; Industry Perspective by Tony Sopiano; Pyaar Kee Seemaen by Cast of Characters

Related Episodes:

Episode 14: Build a Personal Growth Practice (with Creative Self-Care)
Resources:

Episode 34: The Power of Habits: A Poetic Exploration on Building Healthy Routines

Resources:

Jill’s Insight Timer Guided Meditations

Jill’s Insight Timer 3-Day Caregiver Stress Relief Course: Caregiver Refresh: Creative Breaks For Self-Care And Stress Relief

Loving-Kindness Meditation with Sharon Salzberg

Meditation: A Practice of RAIN

LTVF Season Two Music Playlist: Check out the songs that inspire me, and connect with artists from many genres who add to our collective, human soundtrack.

Check out the resources on this website (and subscribe) to get podcast episodes, poems, articles, music playlists, and journal prompts delivered to your inbox.

Then, connect with me on Instagram. Let me know you hear me out there!

Journaling Resources

30-Day Journal Challenge (Writing Prompts to Get Started)

Here’s a fun & simple 30-day journal challenge for beginners (or those who need inspiration). Use the daily prompts to rediscover yourself.

Let the Verse FlowJill Hodge

Journaling 101: An Inspirational Guide to Start (or Revive) a Practice

Whether you write, doodle, draw, or keep memorable quotes, journaling uncovers YOU. Let your unconscious mind speak, download my free guide.

Let the Verse FlowJill Hodge

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