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This is a transcript from episode #44 of the Let the Verse Flow Podcast.
Old Stories From Yesterday Can Color Today
Sometimes our younger selves have made up stories, inner narratives, about how signals from other people should be interpreted. We may tell ourselves that if a person doesn’t show their love or interest in us in a specific way, that means that they don’t care for us. These old scenarios and belief systems may not serve us as we become adults, and the effects of replaying these thoughts can interfere with our sense of belonging and acceptance. How do we move past the stories that we told ourselves when we were 8 or 9 years old? How do we recast our sense of self with the accumulated knowledge and intuition that we now possess as adults? Let’s dive into those questions, and more.
Belonging to Others: Humans as a Social Species
Humans are a social species, and we enjoy two main dimensions of belonging. Belonging perhaps to our family, friends, work colleagues, running club, ladies’ night out crew, or Sangha. We need other people in our lives to extend a sense of understanding and recognition of who we are; that affirmation of who we are can help motivate us to work, volunteer or be an active member of a club or group.
Belonging to a group also helps us get things done, and achieve things collectively that we could not do alone (or perhaps wouldn’t want to). We are more likely to overcome obstacles, look for solutions and work hard if our efforts are on behalf of the greater good of a group we belong to.
But there is another dimension of belonging, that is belonging to yourself. We are exploring this sense of belonging now. Belonging to ourselves is a powerful catalyst for moving forward with so many of our personal goals. When we belong to ourselves, we also connect to those around us more authentically, for we are intertwined with all the rest of the universe and its beings.
Self-compassion and Awareness Pave the Way for Belonging
So this belonging we feel for ourselves is also connected to the belonging we feel for others. Both ways of belonging – belonging to a group and belonging to yourself – are heavily influenced by the amount of self-compassion and self-love we feel. When we lack self-compassion we may seek external validation for our actions and thoughts.
We may look for a sense of belonging as a way of signaling to ourselves that we have value. We may say to ourselves, “If those people like me, I must be good.” We may have this internal talk that exists beneath our conscious thinking of how belonging means we are “good” without questioning what it means to us to be good and why we need to aspire to that goodness.
So, self-compassion and self-love are foundational to helping us recognize our value and, by extension, feel a sense of belonging. When we see ourselves as fundamentally worthy of love, we can grow our own well of belonging. And that belonging can help us feel less lonely or excluded by others. It is also the foundation for so many positive dimensions of our lives – emotional stability, resilience, healthy relationships, and self-growth.
Guided Meditation & Visualization
Let’s begin this guided meditation and visualization by getting in touch with our bodies. The head can sometimes take over our inner narratives with its wayward thoughts and spinning tales, but the body has a knowledge all its own and getting in touch with the body, helps us tap into truth, to the thoughts and emotions that exist beyond the daily chatter of our minds.
Find a comfortable but alert sitting posture. You can sit in a chair, on the floor, or you can lie down if that’s most comfortable for you. The goal is to be comfortable but present. You have been breathing all your life, so let’s take a moment to take notice of the majesty of breathing. Majesty is a regal word and I don’t use it lightly. Our breath is a gift and a mechanism for preserving our presence in this world. We aren’t going to alter the breath in any way; our breathing pattern is unique, and we honor it just as it is.
The body knows how to breathe, so we don’t need to let the mind direct it in any way. We are just getting in touch with the rise and fall of our chest or belly and the feeling of regularity that breathing brings. Also, take notice of how your body is feeling. Try to relax any tense muscles and settle into a body posture that feels comfortable.
We can already begin to have a sense of belonging with our bodies.
Our body cradles us, so while all of our thoughts, dreams and desires may seem like they are coming from our heads, that mind is housed in our incredible body. We, all of our interior thoughts, our talents, our strengths and our personalities exist and belong to our bodies. The mind, and all its power, is intertwined with the body, so begin to sense the way you belong to your body.
You belong to the whole unit – the head, the neck, the shoulders, the chest and back, the stomach, the arms and legs, the hips, the feet. Every crevice of your body cradles some important organ, which in turn allows you to do something amazing. Everything from walking, eating, making art, dancing, working, and thinking all happens in this body.
For much of our life, we can believe that our body belongs to us. That we exert our will to use the body to do what we want. And in some ways, in a mechanical way, that is true, but we also belong to the body. I think we sometimes feel that connection more clearly when we get older. We realize that the sum of our life’s emotions, thoughts, muscle memory and movement patterns reside in the body and that we can access it, but we belong to it as much as it belongs to us.
As we examine our sense of belonging to our bodies, let’s sit or lie and be present for a few moments. Take some relaxing breaths and be fully present with your body. Allow your thoughts to fade into the distance and feel the sense of belonging to your body and the amazing movements and sensations that keep you alive.
Now that we are centered in the body as much as the mind, let’s start a visualization to practice how it might feel to belong to ourselves through a recognition of our strengths and gifts. Let’s imagine that as part of a special meditation retreat exercise, you are asked to speak in pairs about a personal item that you have brought to explain a relationship with someone in your life.
This relationship could be the one you have or had with your mother, father, or a family member, your partner, your best friend, or some other person in your life. Perhaps a neighbor that you share coffee with from time to time. You find a partner and you each bring an item that holds a special meaning to your relationship with that person.
You might bring a favorite book that you both liked or a piece of jewelry with special significance to you. The item you bring should have significance to both you and the person you are thinking of and be related to the way in which you hold or held space for each other in your lives. Think about which person you want to share about, and the item you will select.
Now imagine that you have a partner and you’re sitting across from them, and they ask you these questions:
Why did you bring this item to share with me today?
What significance does it have to you and your loved one?
You think for a while and then answer this question, and you talk about the item and its significance in the context of a story that touched both your life and your significant other’s life.
Perhaps the significance was related to someone’s generosity. The way they hand crafted something for you, or remembered that you like some motif that’s intricate to the design of the item. Perhaps the item shows the way you two connected over a simple pleasure or belief that you both shared. As you begin to think about the significance of the item, and why you picked it, you realize the symbolism of connection, caring or affection that the item evokes. deeply held
It may signify friendship, love, beauty, shared experiences, or connection. It might affirm a belief or deeply held value. It might show how someone took the time to know you and found or gifted the item to you out of a place of knowing and caring. Whatever it signifies to you, it serves as a powerful reminder that at least one person in the world knows you, connects to you and shares something special with you.
You thank your partner for letting you share this special item with them, and you take a few moments to acknowledge your connection and bond with your significant other. A feeling of belonging swells up in you and you look at the object with a new sense of remembrance.
Now, imagine that your partner is curious enough to ask what item you would pick to signify your special relationship with yourself. You’ve shared your bond with another special person, but what item symbolizes the bond you have with yourself? It could be an object, a picture, a book, something you made, or a story of impact that you like to think about from time to time. Think about what you’ll share now.
You then tell your partner about your item. You share why it has meaning to you and how it points to an important aspect of your inner world, personality or sense of self. The partner asks more questions:
Why does this item help define you?
What does it signify about you?
You think about that for a while.
Again you thank your partner, and you return to your retreat activities. Sometime later that night you begin to think about the two sets of items – the one that signifies your belonging to another person and the one that signifies your belonging to yourself. You realize that the item may be trivial or small but it’s connected to something real and meaningful to you and as you described it to your partner you began to realize that the object connected you to thoughts, beliefs or feelings that were deeply personal to your sense of belonging.
No one else knows what these items mean to you; no one else can feel how they touch your heart, make you laugh or remind you of something you don’t want to forget.
What it is about you and this item that is remarkable?
What unique aspect of this connection can only come from you?
Whatever that is, knowing about this connection is one way you can begin to see how special you are.
The item that has meaning to you and your connection with yourself is proof that you are uniquely present in the world and that you belong to yourself. No one else can take your place; no one else sees things the way you do. Let the feeling of self-love and appreciation come forth. Recognize that you have unique interests, talents, or abilities that can be called up whenever you look at your item.
Sit for a while, while this growing sense of appreciation for the way you are special, now symbolized by this item, makes you feel. This picture you drew, the sound chime you love, or the comfy robe you wear all connect to some internal facet of you that you can and should remember to appreciate. Perhaps the drawing shows your talent – the way you see things and draw them out in charcoal with intricate shadows or colorful splashes of paint.
Perhaps a sound chime was given to you by a loved one, and when you hear it, it reminds you of birds and nature, and you recall your special connection to the natural world, your love of feeling immersed in nature.
Perhaps the comfy robe, gifted to you by your partner, reminds you to keep space with your body, offering it comfort and protection from the cold. Do you see the seeds of self-compassion growing? And from that self-compassion can come a developing sense of belonging. You belong to the incredible person who drew that picture, was fully present with nature or took a few moments to cultivate some self-care. You belong to yourself in these moments. Just as these items may connect you to others, to the living world around you, they also call forth your unique presence in the mix. Love yourself, appreciate yourself, know yourself and feel the feeling of belonging grow and grow. Thank you.
Podcast Music: My thanks to all the musicians who make incredible music and have the courage to put it out into the world. All music for my podcast is sourced and licensed for use via Soundstripe.
Songs in this podcast episode: Changing by Outside The Sky
Related Episodes:
The Art of Belonging: Creating Space for Yourself (#43)
LTVF Season Two Music Playlist: Check out the songs that inspire me, and connect with artists from many genres who add to our collective, human soundtrack.
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